Eating cheesecake off the floor

Today I came to the realization that I'm getting married in less than two years. June 27th, 2014 to be exact. 646 days. This is a wonderful, amazing thing and something I had truly hoped and prayed for. I know I should be thanking my lucky stars and planning every detail of the wedding to come. So why is it that instead, I feel paralyzed with fear. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my future husband, and want to marry him. I'm incredibly grateful that he's in my life, and we have big plans for the next few decades. What scares me to death though, is the dress.

Most little girls grow up imagining that very day in which they would stand in front of their family and friends, and be handed over to their very own prince... I mean man, they've fallen madly in love with. I can't say that I grew up with visions of white lace dancing in my head exactly, but as a 'big' little girl of 36, I want all of that too. I want to share the experience with the people who have had such great impact on my life. I know that if we were to head to the court house for a quick legal procedure instead, I would always regret it. 

I want the flowers, the guests, the pictures, the champagne, the tuxes... so why don't I want the dress? I can see myself walking across the room with everyone's eyes on me. And in that moment, I have to wonder if everyone will be thinking "Oh, what a beautiful, plus size bride she is" "She has such a pretty face". At which point, I feel like I should be right between Rachel and Chandler in the episode of Friends we watched this evening, fork in hand, trying to scavenge every last piece of dirt-free cheesecake from the floor in the hallway that they could see. Some days, I'm not sure I wouldn't just eat that part of the cheesecake too. Mmmm dirt flavored, cheesecake with a touch of vinyl flooring.

Like most women, I struggle with my weight and my love of food, resulting in larger pant sizes than I would care to admit. How can I make myself go dress shopping when the idea of standing in a room with a sales consultant staring at me, while I try on dresses meant to be worn by a size 8, just to get an idea if the style is right for me or not, makes me nauseous? So what do I do to fix it?

If I go by the title I've chosen for my blog, the answer is "Whatever it Takes". So how do I put that into action? It may be silly, but I spent some time tonight printing out pictures I found online of women modeling wedding dresses. More alarming than that, women in bikini's lounging like nobody's business on a tropical beach. You see, I had this very original idea, that I would hang them up near the refrigerator and at my desk at work, so they would discourage me from snacking. If I could just focus on "being the bride", and being on the honeymoon, then I could make it happen. I could lose the weight in time to order the dress, and book the honeymoon in Hawaii. I could be, just another beautiful bride, and not a beautiful plus size bride with such a pretty face. What I want most of all, is to simply allow myself to enjoy this special occasion, and period of my life.


So as I go to bed tonight, I'll be trying to figure out for myself what exactly it's going to take for me to put down my fork, stand up and walk away from the cheesecake. I'll pray that I receive the strength I need to treat my body as a temple, and bring honor to the God I love, by not worshiping at the alter of junk food.

Deep down, I know that Todd loves me just the way I am, and I just hope, that on the day of our wedding, I will prove to him that I love me just the way I am too. Until then, I'll just hold on to those pictures I printed out tonight as inspiration.